Thursday, July 30, 2009

Working it Out

Instead of talking about my day – which actually was a very good one – I'm going to do a bit of a brain dump in order to work out an issue which came up today and is causing me some angst. When I get anxious, I get pains in my abdomen, so I'll do anything to work out the tension.

My dilemma is this. There is a part of me that wants to control who knows about my illness. If I were you I would say, “what, is she crazy? If she is so concerned about who knows about her illness why is she writing a blog that the world can see?” A fact that Thierry and I discussed at length when I started this.

I tell myself, there is a difference between my letting a group of close friends and family (whom I trust to share this with like-minded people) and total strangers in on my “secret”, and having others take my situation and use it to intensify the drama in their lives. You know the type of person I'm talking about, the one who can't wait to get on the phone and call everyone and say “did you hear.....”

I also realize that sooner or later I'll have to share a bit about my cancer with clients and business associates, but I admit – I am not there yet! I also know that ultimately, everyone connected to me and my family on any regular basis will know about this soon, if they don't already.

The thing that annoys me about all of this is why do I even care? Why am I wasting energy thinking about what others think, especially at this point in my life! There are those that relish gossip and being the bearers of rotten news. That is their life and they have a right to live it whatever way they choose. I should be able to brush these thoughts off – be above all of that.

One thing I do know is that I don't want sympathy or pity, and I really don't want people to be uncomfortable around me out of fear of saying the wrong thing. I don't want people taking my illness and making it theirs! I need to be in control!!!!

Ooh, so back to the beginning - it's about control?? This is one situation where you have very little control (see stories about treatment!!). I do try to tell myself that through meditation, etc. I can get some control over these cells growing ferociously in my body, but..... who really knows what's in the cards.

Thanks for reading my rant (or not). I think I feel better.... but also think I need to do some more work. Page 41, “The Power of Now”

“All problems are illusions of the mind. The mind unconsciously loves problems because they give you an identity of sort.” Maybe now is the time to figure out who Mary really is (or who she can be).

1 comment:

balldel said...

Mary,
This sharing of information is very difficult when it comes to health issues.
There is something about a cancer diagnosis that I find people do not want to share with every one.. Something deep within us that has gone wrong. Also, I think it has to do with one's own sense of self. One does not want to be seen as different. Turning from Mary to poor Mary. Makes us shrink.

I think that you want to work through your feelings on this blog.It is not for others to live vicariously.

You are right that there are people who want every last detail so that they can live your pain themselves and in doing that get sympathy from others. Often those people have a lot of boundary issues and don't know when not to ask.

You need to continue to do what is right for you. Unfortunately we cannot control what other's will do with it.

I think you are very brave and strong. I am in awe of the spiritual journey you are undertaking.

with love Susie