Monday, October 5, 2009

The Inevitable

Tomorrow I turn 55. I see this as a major milestone. A few months ago I didn't think I'd be alive to see it. Of course, I am already thinking about turning 56!

We had a great weekend. Friends visited, we had a party on Saturday, dinner with the family in Philly on Sunday with a great chocolate cake. Today I had a minor meltdown.

I was reading in a breast cancer newsletter about Parp inhibitors, the next breakthrough in cancer treatment. It is supposed to work well on triple negative tumors and on patients with one of the breast cancer genes. The tests result show it extends life from 5 to 12 months. I don't know exactly what that means, but it still doesn't sound so great.

After reading the article I became anxious and all I could think about was dying. I tried to keep busy, but couldn't shake my apprehension. I went to my sister's tonight for healing touch. During the session I decided to look objectively at death. We are all dying, some of us will die before others. It can happen at any time in all kinds of different ways. The only thing we know about for sure is what is happening now, at this moment.

So, in my 56th year I am going to concentrate very hard on surrending to the fact that I (we) am going to die, and stay focused on the moment, because that is all we have and the only sure thing is what is happening now.

Today was a beautiful day, thanks for sharing my little life.


gpcmouse said...

On Dancing with the Stars, when someone is not dancing up to their potential, they call it 'dancing small' and tell them to dance bigger, using the whole dance floor. You, my friend, do not have a 'little life' - you dance big, making the most of every opportunity. In the 30 some years I've known you, you have always used the whole floor. Happy Birthday, Mary - you are a kick ass inspiration!

patagonie said...

Happy Birthday to you! Alive and kicking as you are! And thank you for reminding me to focus on what and who is/are around me right now. Hope you have a great birthday party! love from Bert en Frederique

annod2 said...

Happy Birthday, Sis! You may be getting healing touch from Jean but I truly believe you have the healing touch! The way you look at life makes all of us readers re-evaluate our own lives. Thank you for that. I love you.

Lisa Ruff said...

A while ago, Kirk read a passage to me from his favorite modern philosopher (Robert Nozick) on the fear of death. Roughly translated, it said: "think back to the beginning of life, before you existed and the vast, unknowing darkness then. Are you afraid of that? Then why would you be afraid of the same at the end of life, after you cease to exist?" Somehow, this added perspective to the issue for me. Not that I am sanguine--I will not go gently into that good night--but I am learning.

ann mcn said...

I'm just catching up on a week's worth of your postings and found this note of 10/5. I've been marveling at your passion for living each day to its fullest. Since July 6th, I have watched you forge ahead every day to make the most of each day. I know it's not easy for you and during the last 3 months you have adjusted and grown to find a new way of being. I am in awe of your zest for life as well as your acceptance to whatever the future holds.

luv ya!