What To Do

Thierry’s been gone for two weeks now (although it feels longer), and I really thought I would be extremely productive in his absence. To the contrary, I find I have become somewhat of a slug, spending a lot of time thinking about what I should be doing, could be doing, or what I should want to be doing, and actually doing very little. When Thierry’s around I am at least motivated to appear busy!


What I should be doing is to continue the clean out process I haven’t really made a dent in for a few weeks. I also have a new computer which needs to be set up – but there again, it sits on the sidelines waiting for my attention. Then there’s the cookbook project which I haven’t even thought about since I wrote it down on a yellow sticky and posted it on my computer monitor.

The things I could be doing or should want to be doing are a little less clear. I mean, when you get the talk (about now is the time to do the things you always wanted), isn’t that when you make your list and start charging ahead? I’ve been thinking about the list for a while. Yes, I want to travel, but that takes planning, money and time. Travel needs to fit in with weekly chemo and trips to Maine. We are and will continue to travel, but what about the in-between time?

We go to plenty of concerts and movies, visit with family (although maybe not enough), and spend time with friends. There are only so many concerts and movies to go see and hear, and friends have jobs and friends and families of their own. Filling up evenings isn’t as difficult as filling up the days.

I have thought about getting more work. This takes effort – like networking and going to meetings in which you are really not interested. Some days I know I am just not physically up for that, and then what do I do, wear my wig or go au naturelle? Would someone want to contract with a chemo-patient? Also, having networked for over ten years, the idea of doing it again makes me feel ill. I’ve considered a part-time job, but that limits our potential travel plans.

I have some thoughts on how to get more work without being “out there”, and I’ve been thinking a lot about volunteering somewhere. This idea sounds most appealing. Of all the volunteer work I’ve done or work for pay with the underserved population, the most satisfaction I received was when I worked with boys between the ages of 13-18 with their homework after school. They really appreciated the time, and I loved seeing their interest and progress. I really felt useful.

This state of inertia is new to me. I was always the type of person that thrived when busy and always found ways to be even busier. I not only joined organizations but got elected on their boards. I participated in events and planning, constantly on the go. I knew tons of people and they knew me, but that just doesn’t interest me anymore. On the other hand spending my days being unproductive is frightening. I don’t think I am depressed, but I certainly am not motivated. Self-motivation is always difficult, but is much easier when you have a goal. Sometimes I feel like I am in a state of limbo; waiting for news. Just what news, I don’t know, but I do know I can waist a lot of time waiting. I guess it goes back to how you want your obituary to read, and I don’t want mine to say that she had an exciting life until the end, when she just sat back and let it pass her by.

The day is only half over, and I’ve actually done some work, went to the gym, wrote my blog, and am going out to do some errands. It has been a good and relatively productive day.

PS: Some of you have told me that you have started cleaning out closets, etc. When planning your clean-out, don’t forget your kitchen cabinets and pantry. I was surprised to see that a bottle of Rose’s Lime Juice actually has a shelf life – what a weird color brown the liquid became! So did the open bottle in the fridge. Can’t even remember the last time I used it – or where I moved it from.