What To Do

Thierry’s been gone for two weeks now (although it feels longer), and I really thought I would be extremely productive in his absence. To the contrary, I find I have become somewhat of a slug, spending a lot of time thinking about what I should be doing, could be doing, or what I should want to be doing, and actually doing very little. When Thierry’s around I am at least motivated to appear busy!


What I should be doing is to continue the clean out process I haven’t really made a dent in for a few weeks. I also have a new computer which needs to be set up – but there again, it sits on the sidelines waiting for my attention. Then there’s the cookbook project which I haven’t even thought about since I wrote it down on a yellow sticky and posted it on my computer monitor.

The things I could be doing or should want to be doing are a little less clear. I mean, when you get the talk (about now is the time to do the things you always wanted), isn’t that when you make your list and start charging ahead? I’ve been thinking about the list for a while. Yes, I want to travel, but that takes planning, money and time. Travel needs to fit in with weekly chemo and trips to Maine. We are and will continue to travel, but what about the in-between time?

We go to plenty of concerts and movies, visit with family (although maybe not enough), and spend time with friends. There are only so many concerts and movies to go see and hear, and friends have jobs and friends and families of their own. Filling up evenings isn’t as difficult as filling up the days.

I have thought about getting more work. This takes effort – like networking and going to meetings in which you are really not interested. Some days I know I am just not physically up for that, and then what do I do, wear my wig or go au naturelle? Would someone want to contract with a chemo-patient? Also, having networked for over ten years, the idea of doing it again makes me feel ill. I’ve considered a part-time job, but that limits our potential travel plans.

I have some thoughts on how to get more work without being “out there”, and I’ve been thinking a lot about volunteering somewhere. This idea sounds most appealing. Of all the volunteer work I’ve done or work for pay with the underserved population, the most satisfaction I received was when I worked with boys between the ages of 13-18 with their homework after school. They really appreciated the time, and I loved seeing their interest and progress. I really felt useful.

This state of inertia is new to me. I was always the type of person that thrived when busy and always found ways to be even busier. I not only joined organizations but got elected on their boards. I participated in events and planning, constantly on the go. I knew tons of people and they knew me, but that just doesn’t interest me anymore. On the other hand spending my days being unproductive is frightening. I don’t think I am depressed, but I certainly am not motivated. Self-motivation is always difficult, but is much easier when you have a goal. Sometimes I feel like I am in a state of limbo; waiting for news. Just what news, I don’t know, but I do know I can waist a lot of time waiting. I guess it goes back to how you want your obituary to read, and I don’t want mine to say that she had an exciting life until the end, when she just sat back and let it pass her by.

The day is only half over, and I’ve actually done some work, went to the gym, wrote my blog, and am going out to do some errands. It has been a good and relatively productive day.

PS: Some of you have told me that you have started cleaning out closets, etc. When planning your clean-out, don’t forget your kitchen cabinets and pantry. I was surprised to see that a bottle of Rose’s Lime Juice actually has a shelf life – what a weird color brown the liquid became! So did the open bottle in the fridge. Can’t even remember the last time I used it – or where I moved it from.

Catching Up

Well, I debated whether I should iron clothes, slice the cabbage to get ready for tomorrow’s barbecue or sit down to write my blog. After thinking about all I need to do tomorrow, I figured I’d better get to it now otherwise another week would slip by without my writing.

It has been a busy two weeks since we brought the boat up from Baltimore. Thierry started right in on preparing the boat for her journey north. I was busy with laundry, shopping and catching up on my paperwork.

I had thought about writing a couple of times but had a few dark days, thinking about illness and I think, dreading the thought of Thierry going away. These thoughts also made me a bit grouchy, but, I managed to put all that out of my mind and we had a busy and fun two weeks.

While we were occupied with our own things during the day, we went out at night; to see the movie, The Girl Who Played With Fire (based on Steig Larson’s book), and then the next night, to the Blarney Pub to hear our neighbor play. We had a big crowd and a lot of fun.

We had got it into our heads that since we are spending a lot more time at the condo we should have some plants; in particular, on our balcony. Many of our neighbors have planters, flower boxes, and furniture, making things look very homey. Our balcony gets sun in the morning and a lot of wind. Some time ago I had mentioned our thoughts to my friend, Judy, who lives in Maryland and is a huge plant person. She said she would be interested in helping me with this project and she spent a lot of time researching plants and planters that would require little care, withstand the elements and survive the winter on our balcony.

Judy came up on Friday (the 16th) and she and I went to the Barnes Foundation to see the remainder of the exhibit before it moves to its new location in the city. For those of you who are not familiar with the Barnes, the “museum houses the world’s largest collection of French Impressionist, Post-Impressionist, and early Modern paintings,” with a large number of paintings by Cézanne, Renoir, Matisse, Seurat, Modigliani and Picasso to name a few. The museum is known for its historically restrictive practices, one of which is that you can only go if you have a reservation, in addition to only being open four days a week in the summer, less in winter. We had to chuckle when we entered the property and had to search for the entrance as there were no signs directing you from the parking lot.

The next day we went shopping for soil, stones, peat moss and plants. We decided on a Oriental Fountain Grass for the main focal point, framed by Rex Begonias. The greens, silver and purple leaves look great against the silver frame of the balcony and provide a very peaceful, calming effect when gazing onto the balcony from the living room.

On Friday night we had a gathering on Curlew. There were 15 of us and we pretty near depleted Curlew’s wine locker in addition to the bottles our guests brought. A good time was had by all.

We spent Sunday and Monday supplying the boat, and Thierry took off on Tuesday morning along with his crew, Tom and Barry. Be sure to click on the link to Curlew’s log to get an update on his adventures.

Since Thierry left, I have kept busy with work and housework. After two weeks of no real physical activity I am back to my gym routine. I panicked a bit when I heard that the FDA took Avastin off its approved list for breast cancer treatment. I saw my oncologist on Thursday, and she told me not to worry. I am not sure what that means, but I am hoping that my insurance provider doesn’t take it off their approved list.

I also asked my doctor about the status of my tumor cells that are housed somewhere in the hospital. I had heard that many women ask for their cells in the event that they may be used by researchers in the future. I would like my cells to be used in research, and possibly to be used to develop a drug that may put my cancer into remission. My doctor, who did not answer my question directly, seemed to indicate that the research she is involved with would be looking at cancers like mine. She assured me she has my back, and my front. Mmmmm, I think I need to push her on this a bit.

Today has been a rather quiet day, five loads of laundry done and my in-box is cleaned out and my bills are all scheduled for payment (pretty productive I guess). It’s been a good couple of weeks, but I miss Thierry and I am counting the days until my plane takes off for Bangor!

When the Children Become Responsible for Their Parents

The weekend is just about over, and we are relaxing on Curlew and recovering from Holland’s loss of the World Cup to Spain; however, some of the folks in my family are very happy with this outcome!

Thierry came to the boat on Tuesday hoping to get some work done and to prepare for his trip to Maine, but the weather decided not to cooperate. It was extremely hot and humid and then the rain came; not conducive to varnish work. When I arrived yesterday (Saturday), the rain was sporadic, so we hunkered down below. Thierry was able to get a coat of varnish on the wood trim this morning, finishing just in time for us to meet my sister and her husband at a local sports bar to watch the game. We leave tomorrow for Philadelphia where Thierry will finish his preparations for his trip.

Due to my chemo schedule, I will not be sailing up with him. Two friends will help Thierry take the boat north. I will take a week off of treatment in August and join him for a few weeks.

As I’ve mentioned in past blogs, mom has been in the hospital and rehab twice in the last nine months; the first time with bronchitis and this last time, with a broken clavicle suffered after a fall she had in the kitchen at home. Since the winter, mom has been complaining that she doesn’t remember things and she has been in a lot of pain from a torn rotator cuff. The rotator cuff really requires surgery, but due to the difficult nature of this type of operation, it does not seem to be an option for mom at her age.

After mom’s fall, we all scurried to figure out how to make the home habitable for her as an extended stay in a rehab facility would ultimately be unaffordable for my parents. My sister went on Craig’s list and found a stair lift which my brother spent hours installing. A few years back, he had added bars to their bathtub/shower enclosure, along with a hand-held shower head. We asked for a portable toilet which can be placed over the bathroom toilet, providing support bars for the user. Fortunately mom had a hospital bed in a guest room that she acquired when her sister passed some years ago.

For several years, my sisters and I have been worried about how my parents are going to continue living by themselves in their two-story house (with a basement). Dad has some difficulty seeing and has a very bad knee. Mom tends to fall – she just kind of keels over. Their laundry is in the basement as is their food storage area (cantina, or condine as Thierry and I call it). When mom was in the hospital during the winter I talked with them about getting an alert system, one that requires them to wear a device that can be activated if they need emergency assistance. Dad immediately rejected the idea, but now mom is okay about having one. Dad says he takes a telephone with him when he goes out into the garden, but I don’t think he has it with him all the time, like when he is in the basement.

Trying to get them to talk about moving is an impossible discussion, primarily because my dad absolutely does not want to move. Also, the cost of a senior facility can be prohibitive – but only if they both live another 5 years. They will both be 90 in September. Due to my mother’s illness, they finally gave up the idea of my mother continuing to drive – but for a long time, that also was a discussion we couldn’t have. We have been talking about cleaning out their basement which is cluttered with stuff collected over 50 years and is now old, broken, dirty and unused. Dad won’t hear of it!

I’ve heard experts on the radio talk about how we children should have discussions with our parents about their well-being and how “we” can make decisions together in order to help them maintain a safe and healthy life-style. These experts haven’t dealt with my parents. At what point do they (our parents) - or we for that matter (when we reach their age) - shut out the noise and suggestions from those around us and insist that the status quo is the right decision? Good grief this sounds like me at 17! But aren’t adults supposed to know better?

It seems that at some point, when we reach a certain age, we become almost incorrigible, cranky and more determined to have our own way. A friend said that our parents don’t consider the impact these types of decisions have on their children. True, and they really don’t care. Perhaps they make these decisions to reinforce the fact that they are still in control of their lives and of their own minds. And how much should we push our parents to make these decisions. Like a child, experience is the best teacher, but falling at 89 is a lot more serious than falling when you are 17 – there is a good chance you won’t get up. But then, even if mom was in a senior community, she could still fall and dad would be in the same position of having to send for help.

I am rambling. I am concerned and I feel a bit guilty that my parents can’t live with me (and wouldn’t want to), and feel guilty that I am not there more for them. But maybe elder-proofing their home and enabling them to stay there longer is the nicest thing we can do for them.

I’d welcome any input to this writing from all readers, especially my senior readers. If you have trouble posting, email me at iwanaberma@gmail.com and I will post your comments to the blog with your permission.

Who knows what the future holds. It’s been a good day and a great week.

The Good Life

Last Friday I was thinking of writing a blog about things that piss me off. Perhaps this all came to mind on Thursday when the nurse tried to give me a drug which I was not scheduled to receive according to the last conversation I had with my doctor a week prior. My nurse patiently tried to make some sense out of my file, and was finally able to get things clarified with the doctor. Then there followed a series of minor things that got me thinking the subject would make a good blog topic.


Luckily it was a busy weekend and my writing was delayed. Over the weekend I spent time with friends and yesterday and today received several emails that made me smile and left me feeling very grateful for the life I have and the people I know. This pushed all the sour thoughts out of my mind.

The weekend started on an up note when we went with friends to “First Friday”. In our neighborhood, all the art galleries and some of the small shops open their doors and display new artwork, with many offering snacks, soft drinks and wine on the first Friday of the month. The streets are filled with young artists displaying their wares (some good, some not so) and occasionally there are street performers doing magic tricks, walking on stilts or singing and playing instruments.

A group of us ventured out and visited some of our favorite galleries. The girls naturally were drawn to the jewelry vendors, among others. I had declared that I was looking for big earrings as someone had suggested that they might look good with my dramatically short and white hairdo. I was coaxed into a pair of dangling metal orbs which I modeled on Saturday and they were a great success.

Saturday was the first day of the 4th of July weekend, a big day of celebration in the US. The city puts on a terrific fireworks display which we can view from our condo, so we invited friends and family to join us for an evening of food, drink and celebration. The fireworks were wonderful and the food was good, but nothing compared to the spontaneous concert that we were given by two of my neighbors (and friends). Barry walked in with his guitar around 9:00 p.m. and immediately changed the tempo of the party. Tom was coerced into bringing up his fiddle and mandolin. The two of them started to jam and the party rocked. Tom actually plays with a band at a local bar – we all are planning to go see him play in a few weeks. Be sure to check out the video Thierry posted on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EojwcwnZAcQ.

Sunday was a slow day, but we did go for a walk in the 98 degree heat to have a beer with friends at a little pub and later had Chinese take-out for dinner. Today, Monday, we celebrated Mike’s birthday (long overdue, it was the 25th of June) and had everyone over at mom and dad’s house for stuffed shells – one of Mike’s favorites – and chicken cutlets. Oh, and an amazing yellow-cake with chocolate icing.

Occasionally Lauren and I will go on a negative rant about something (or someone) that annoys us. Whenever one of us starts this type of diatribe, the listener will remind the complainer to focus on the good things. Letting off steam is necessary and sometimes what you need to do in the moment, but focusing on the fun things that you do and the friends that you have is the best medicine in the long run.

It has been a great week.

The Recipe Box

Recently Thierry and I have been discussing the cleaning up that we need to do around the house. He is particularly bothered by the clutter, although many would say our house is NOT cluttered. Granted, the office is a little overgrown with books and the papers on my desk. I finally brought two bags of my old books to the used book store down the street. The library has a stack or two of books that need to be placed on the shelves and the old printer is sitting on the floor waiting to be disposed of. I tend to leave coupons and odd pieces of mail around the house, mainly because I don’t know where to put them. I always had a junk drawer in my other houses where I could stash things, but not here.


We have a glass coffee table in the living room and we each have a pile of reading on the lower shelf and I recently added a file folder full of recipes clipped from magazines and downloaded from the internet. Thierry noticed this new pile which I brought out from the office bookshelves where I keep my cookbooks. I had to add clippings from two Vegetarian Times magazines to the folder, which is still there days later as I keep telling myself now is the time to file the contents. I keep meaning to scan them and file them in my computer recipe file, but the whole process seems daunting: first figuring out how to use the scan function on the printer, then figuring out how to save and file them on the computer.

I routinely go through my stack of cut-out and photocopied recipes and tell myself someday I should try this one! A few I actually have tried and my favorites (used more than once) are in pretty bad shape, full of food stains and water spots. When I moved from my home of 19 years, I tossed or gave away many cookbooks that I really never used. I kept about 40 or so and added to them when I went through my vegetarian phase.

With the internet I rarely open my cookbooks anymore, but try to copy or download right into my recipe file those recipes that seem interesting. At this stage of my life I should be able to just create a meal gleaned from all of my past meals, but alas, my mind gets boggled when I try to whip up something spur of the moment. Now I take my little Netbook and put it up on the counter, do a search on the ingredients, locate a recipe and follow it on the screen while I am cooking. I am not totally incapable of being creative – I do add or subtract from a recipe as appropriate, but do depend on the author to pull together the main ingredients of a meal for me.

I don’t know how many recipes I’ve clipped over the years or how many I have actually tried or eventually just thrown away. I wonder if it is genetic; clipping recipes, putting them away and rarely looking at them. My father did the same thing and so does my sister Jean. My uncle collected cookbooks and had video tapes of all types of cooking shows. He was a gourmet cook, and most likely didn’t need a recipe for anything – but this was his hobby and joy.

This week’s goal is to do something with these recipes – toss or save – and clean up yet another pile of clutter. As it goes, I made dinner at mom’s tonight and used a recipe that was clipped from some magazine. Maybe Thierry will be in for a real treat this week!

By the way, mom is out of rehab although still recovering from her fall. She is doing quite well, and Jean has been there to help her get reacclimated to her home and daily routine.  Home therapy will start this week.

I saw my doctor on Thursday and she informed me that I will no longer be given the carboplatin due to the reaction I had a few weeks prior. She said that she had been thinking of discontinuing this chemo anyway, since my scans were so good. Hopefully things will continue to improve.

It has been a very busy and wonderful week and weekend.

What's a Friend to Do?

Well, I thought I’d have this posted days ago, but when we left on Friday to go to the boat I left my netbook in the car! It doesn’t matter if I make a list, I still forget things. The last time I went down to Baltimore I had a list but left two things off which I thought were minor and I’d remember them (my neupogen syringes and the bolts to the cockpit table that Thierry had varnished and that I had already put in the car). This time I did not have a list. The only thing I forgot from home was the container with my vitamin supplements. The computer, which I remembered to remove from the house, was in the backseat of the car (we drove from Havertown to Baltimore with Lauren and Mike in their car). So.......

At any rate, I probably would not have written as we were busy with Lauren and Mike who decided to spend Lauren’s birthday (the 13th of June) and their one year anniversary with us on Curlew. We had a terrific weekend. They are such fun to be with. We got to sail three out of four days and had a great evening in Annapolis. I actually got drunk (haven’t been drinking much) and had a slight hangover on Monday. Have to be sure I don’t do that again!

When I got back to town I had a conversation with a friend of mine who told me some news about a personal issue she was struggling with. Have you ever been in a situation where a friend shares something that is severely impacting their life, the subject of which you have some definite opinions on; opinions so strong that you fear if you share them you may injure the friendship?

This is the second time I have been in this position. The first time was many, many years ago when a close friend was involved in a situation that was clearly bad for her. She would share her angst with me and I know I voiced my opinions because I distinctly remember her commenting at the time that she just needed me to listen and not to judge or make comments. I always felt I let her down by not being a better friend and just listening. You would think that I learned my lesson, but it happened yet again.

But how do you stand by and see someone make what you think is not the best decision and not say something, if you are truly a friend? When do you just keep your mouth shut and listen? One complaint a lot of women have with men is that men always want to solve problems. I always wanted to be listened to by my husband (to vent), not told what to do. Seems I do the same thing, feel I have to fix things for others.

Perhaps one answer is to listen, carefully, then question. That is ask questions that will (may) help the person come to their own conclusion. I fail miserably at this, at the most important times. Maybe this is one of the life lessons that I need to master. I plan to work on it!

It was a struggle this morning getting to the gym – perhaps I’m still suffering from the weekend. I was literally lying on the bed in my gym clothes having a conversation with myself over whether or not to go. But I kicked it in gear, got to the gym then later to the burbs to take Dad over to see Mom at the rehab facility. Yes, once again Mom is being rehabbed as she took a spill last week and broke her clavicle. Other than the pain from the break, she is really doing pretty well.

It was truly a great weekend and a good day, even tho I’m still struggling with lessons I must learn.

Creating a Few Memories

It’s a lazy Sunday afternoon, and I am just sitting down to write for a few minutes before company comes for dinner - now that I have finally decided what to write about. Sometimes I am at a loss for a topic, other times, like now, there are a few things on my mind. This is good, so perhaps I’ll write earlier next week.

We have done some fun things over the past three weeks or so, so I thought I’d write about them. They are light and I have good pictures to back up the stories. I think pictures add a bit of punch to the blog and certainly bring things to life.

About three weeks ago now, Thierry and I went over to my parents’ house to help Dad plant his garden. My sister Ann and her husband Juan had been there the day before and planted the tomatoes. We went to plant peppers and Thierry hoed the other beds. Juan came again to plant while Ann took Mom to the doctor. We would have planted more, but Dad misplaced a batch of seeds which we have since sourced and hope to plant this coming week. At the same time Thierry will stake the tomato plants.

My father, at 89 years of age with limited sight and walking ability, still likes to have his garden. He does go out almost every day to water and to weed, and even plants seeds. The garden, which is still sizeable, has been active I think since the time my parents moved into the house in 1953. It used to be much bigger, and we’d always complain that the spot was better suited to a swimming pool. Dad didn’t fall for that one. My brother used to help in the garden when he was little (and I am sure bitterly complained). I don’t remember doing much in the garden other than picking vegetables and later selling them to the neighbors. Dad used to grow radishes, onions, herbs, zucchini, eggplant, tomatoes, two types of peppers, several types of lettuce, beets, swiss chard, cucumbers, and two types of string beans. The list is a little shorter today, and so is the volume.

Juan calls this the Taraborelli Community Garden because it has turned into a group project. As much as I would like to see my parents give up their house at this stage, I have to admit that going to help them with their garden has added a new dimension to our family life. Dad stands over all of us and provides explicit instructions; while we all kind of chuckle under our breaths yet work obediently to get the job done – right. We all benefit from the effort when it is time to harvest.

I have come to realize that I should relish this little bit of time that I spend with my Dad, Thierry, Ann and Juan, because one day the garden will be gone, and we’ll have these wonderful memories to look back on.

Thierry and I took Curlew out for Memorial Day weekend. This is the first time I have been on the boat in about 8 months. It was another hot, humid weekend and I really thought there would be no wind, but we were pleasantly surprised. We left the marina on Saturday and headed across the bay to Swan Creek which is near Rock Hall. We were able to sail almost the entire way, from the mouth of the Patapsco River to the entrance of the creek. We ended up sailing 3 out of the 4 days we were on the water.

We met up with our friends Sylvia and Tom, who have a boat at a marina near the anchorage and had dinner in Rock Hall. I realized I hadn’t been to Rock Hall in close to 15 years. The town hasn’t changed too much – although a Walgreens has been added. Still many of the same stores and restaurants remain.

We stayed put on Sunday and friends of ours, Scott and Sue, came along with their boat and rafted with us. We had a really pleasant night and the next day, Scott helped hoist Thierry up the mast to do some repairs to the genoa furler. Here it was Sue’s birthday, and we infringed on her celebration once again by asking them for help. It was May 31st two years ago exactly when Thierry and I were in Washington DC on Curlew and I had to call Scott to come lend me a hand.

The night prior both Thierry and I were taken by ambulance to Georgetown Hospital, he with a tightness in his chest, me with a high fever and diarrhea and extremely low blood pressure. We must have been a sight when we staggered into the marina office to ask for assistance. The next morning, they let me out of the hospital but wanted to keep Thierry in for observation.

The forecast that day was for severe thunderstorms with a threat of tornados. Here we were anchored out in the middle of the Washington Channel anchorage. I was still feeling quite ill and weak, and I have never experienced being on board by myself, let alone in a storm. Not knowing what to do I called sailor friends who suggested I call Scott – a very experienced sailor – who lives in Columbia, not horribly far from DC. When I spoke to him he told me that they didn’t really have plans for the day other than to go to a movie to celebrate Sue’s birthday. They both came down and stayed with me while the winds kicked up. In the meantime, Thierry called and said he had been released. Scott picked up Thierry in the dinghy and we all waited out some strong winds and a thunderstorm. In two years we’ll have to think up another reason to get Scott and Sue to come help us on Sue’s birthday, just to keep the tradition going.

Yesterday, Thierry, Lauren, Mike and I went to a local vineyard for a wine tasting. Our favorite wine expert, Robert who does our family wine tasting each year, organized a luncheon and tour of the vineyards of Penns Woods Winery. The owner is an Italian from Abruzzi (same region as my parents), and he spent a good deal of time talking about his efforts to get the vineyard back to producing good grapes and the threats and challenges he faces. We had a nice lunch, sampled wonderful wines, bought a few as well, and spent a great afternoon with “the kids.”

I had a light chemo week as they decided not to give me the carboplatin in my last treatment. The doctor was out of town, so I will find out this week what the next steps will be after my reaction to the drug the previous Thursday.

So, all in all, with the light chemo, the great wine and wonderful time spent with family and friends, it has been a great few weeks! Tune in for the serious stuff later in the week!